Peek-a-Boo, I Still See You: Following Ex-Family on Facebook

Great article!
Read the Article at HuffingtonPost

Nouveau Poor

Perhaps because it’s Christmas, the term nouveau poor has been on my mind a lot lately. I miss the joy of shopping for just the right gifts that will bring delight to my loved ones. This year shopping feels more like torture than a treasure hunt.

Being a coach, I’ve been trying to  ”reframe” my situation by coming up with a chic name to enhance my declining status. When I came up with “nouveau poor” I excitedly googled it hoping  to buy the domain name. Amazingly, not only is the name taken, it’s also trademarked for a line of clothing.

Thanks to Google, I also stumbled upon the clever video (below) discussing the discrimination the “Nouveau Poor” face courtesy the “Old Poor.”  I chuckled a bit watching it, but some of it hit too close to home.

Single parenting brings its challenges. For me, the most difficult piece is raising my daughters totally on my own thanks to an ex who hasn’t even paid child support for nearly 5 years. (While at the same time maintaining his lifestyle and paying his high priced attorney to block any attempts at collection.) It’s taken a huge toll, hitting home today when my oldest pointed out I’ve turned into Scrooge.

Alarmed,  I asked her why she thought so, and she calmly explained “You’ve grumbled you don’t like Christmas, we can’t do gifts this year, and we won’t get to go to MA to see all our cousins. It kinda ruins things for us.”

Sadly, that’s totally true. However, the Me of Christmas Past was a very generous, loving Santa. The Me of Christmas Present  is fraught with the difficulties of having been on the “mommy track” too long, an ex who doesn’t meet his obligations, and a legal system that’s become so complicated only the monied are entitled to protection, and going Pro Bono (self-representation) is considered legal suicide.

Since I can no longer afford an attorney (or Christmas), I’m struggling to accept America’s form of (un)justice given the “No Money, No Rights” setup  … unless for example you are the victim or perpetrator of a crime that harms society… like murder or robbing a business. Why isn’t family devastation life-changing enough to qualify for legal protection in our judicial system?

Furthermore, while families are hailed as the foundation of our society, and marriage is considered essential to our country’s economic security, head down the Divorce Isle (even when circumstances present no other option) and it’s “No money? Sorry ma’m, the system is not set up to help. You need to beg, borrow or steal to get a lawyer.”

In such situations, I haven’t a clue as to how our lawmakers believe “with justice for all” can prevail, especially when  a monied abuser pairs with a rambo-type attorney hell bent on protecting the abuser’s money by impoverishing the rest of the family. It boggles the mind how such a lawyer is even entitled to be called a “family law attorney” when his/her sole goal is placing his/her client (because s/he can pay exhorbent legal bills) well above accountability to a family’s needs or society’s morals.

Think I’m exaggerating? Not according to recent articles in the Washington Post and the Huffington Post titled: “Access to Justice in the U.S. is at Third-World Levels.” Not a comforting thought should you need to pursue your rights.

My apologies for the “bah humbug” attitude, but should life demote you to the ranks of the nouveau poor thanks to divorce, job loss, being foreclosed upon given the mortgage industry’s shady practices, medical bills, whatever … I just wanted to let you know you are not alone.

And media, like The Onion, is pointing out our plight. Wishing you a chuckle.

And please, someone comment. It sure would make my day!

Newly Divorced? Don’t Forget to Grieve

So true. My daughters were young when I divorced so my focus was on them, not me. Now, years later I find there are triggers to the grief I never had time to walk through. I tell clients you need to grieve to heal, yet I didn’t follow my own advice because I was trying to present a strong front for my daughters. Amazing how buried feelings never die…

Sharon Zarozny, Founder
Brilliant Exits, LLC

www.brilli­antexits.c­om
www.brilli­antexits.w­ordpress.c­om
Read the Article at HuffingtonPost

How to Deal With an Inflexible Ex

Having divorced an abusive, controllin­g, severely narcissist­ic spouse who’s dragged me through the courts (divorce & post divorce) for nearly 15 years (yes it’s true, and that’s not a typo) I know how difficult it is to adhere to Stacy’s advice, but it is crucial to your child’s well-being­.

That said, I know how hard it is to take the high road when your ex is bashing you to the kids. I tell my clients when things get really tough, repeat this mantra to yourself: “I love my children more than I hate my spouse… I love my children more than I hate my spouse….­”

My nasty separation began when my daughters were 3 and 6. I read all the parenting materials through the years and was awestruck when at 16 my youngest voiced what the experts say. She desperatel­y wanted to speak to her father so I drove her out to his house. His wife (the mistress and mother of a love child they had while he was married to me) wouldn’t let her in the house to talk to her dad. My daughter sat down in his driveway and sobbed: “I don’t get it. I’m half him, half you. I love him but I hate him. Am I crazy to still love him?”

Proof that when you bad mouth your child’s parent, you bad mouth that part of your child. Not doing it is the greatest gift you can give your child.
Read the Article at HuffingtonPost

Keeping Your Cool for the Holidays

It’s National Anger Management week and, in it’s honor, the British Association of Anger Management is offering 2 free Keeping Your Cool Kits. Why? According to the Association, managing anger is a primary key to controlling stress, anxiety and depression.  Despite what Hallmark would have you believe, a British survey discovered:

• • • • • The average family has their first argument at 9:58 Christmas morning.
        • Over 1/2 of all families have disagreements.
        • And 1/8 of couples said fights over the holidays made them want to split up.

My favorite recommendation? Remember Christmas is simply one day out of the year. Repeat to yourself to keep things in perspective.

And now, some tips from the Association’s Keep Your Cool Over Yule Kit:

Rules to Beating Anger

1. STOP, think, take a look at the big picture.
2. It’s OK to have a different opinion.
3. Listen actively.
4. Use your emotional support network (Anger Buddies).
5. Keep an anger management journal.
6. Don’t take things personally.

Have kids? When things get heated send them on a walk, suggest they put their head phones to good use listening to music, and let them get lots of sleep so they aren’t so grumpy.

Ditto for adults.

10 Ways to Survive a Child Custody Case

Henry,
I couldn’t agree more with your statement “Scars left by a hearing or trial can have an impact for many years, not only on the other parent, but also the children.” Both my daughters were scarred, yet in different ways.

When they were only 9 and 12 years old my ex dragged our daughters into court. My oldest, who couldn’t wait to tell the judge what she thought, left the Judge’s chambers traumatize­d.

When I asked her why she was so upset, she explained it was “bring your wife to work day” and the Judge had brought his dying wife to work with him. When I asked her why she thought that, she said: “Well, the Judge was black and his wife (the only other black person in the room) was very sick and on a breathing machine. I was scared she was going to die at any moment so all I could do was cry”. No one had told my daughter about the court reporter..­.

Last year, 8 years after the fact, my youngest daughter wrote her college admissions essay about going to court to “tell the Judge” which parent she wanted to live with. My heart ached reading her account of how painful it was to choose one parent and betray the other. I doubt that’s what the Judge asked her to do, but that was her perspectiv­e which is all that really matters.

Sharon Zarozny
Founder
Brilliant Exits, LLC
www.brilli­antexits.c­om
Read the Article at HuffingtonPost

Your goal as a coparent

A word of caution: I cried when I watched this video. Watching it may inspire you to do what you can to work things out with your spouse. It might also help you envision your life coparenting post divorce. In any event, it models the best way to facilitate kids transitioning between mom’s and dad’s.

Divorcing=Goodbye Facebook & Twitter

According to family law attorney Alan Plevy, anyone going through a divorce should deactivate all social media accounts, unless it’s used for strictly professional purposes.  Seems radical? Consider that 66% of attorneys gather info about  the x2b via Facebook alone. And, even if you practice restraint, your “friends” can inadvertantly post damaging info.

Beware ...

“For some reason or another, people seem to think that these sites are private,” Alan says. “And then they do things on those sites that tend to get them in trouble.”  Read more .

Snooping can be good, but if your issue is you can’t stop yourself from obsessing over your ex, check out “The Ex-Blocker” ap to make him/her vanish from from your computer…

Co-Parenting: From your Kids Perspective

If you’ve been to our Second Saturday program, you’ve probably heard me say “It’s parental conflict, not divorce that hurts kids the most.” I didn’t totally get how it feels for a child until last month when I got “caught-in-the-middle” myself at my daughter’s college graduation.

That Saturday morning I’d sat teary-eye with another single mom/friend as we proudly watched our daughters’ commencement. Except for the barbs my friend made about her ex, we had a lovely time reminiscing and celebrating our daughters milestone. The next morning, as my daughters and I were walking to breakfast, a car honked at us and a proud dad (my friend’s ex) was excitedly waving hello.  We exchanged glowing words about our daughters ( and yes, he did sneak in a barb about his ex) until the traffic light turned green and he drove off.

To my amazement, I felt a stab in my gut, seemingly for no reason. Then a few seconds later I said to my daughters: “I finally get what it must be like for you. I like both parents, but had a stab of guilt and betrayal as I talked to the dad. I am so sorry for how this all must have felt for you all these years.” They gave me an appreciative, knowing look as we squeezed hands and continued on our walk. For my daughters’ sake I hope I never forget that morning.

In honor of National Child-Centered Divorce Month I thought I’d share helpful excerpts from  Co-Parenting After Divorce, an article appearing on the Colorado State University Extension page. Here’s hoping it helps you help your kids.

Children need to be loved by both parents
Popular media and educational resources in the past focused on issues related to “single parenting” and “custodial parenting,” but the times have changed and family life professionals and researchers now acknowledge that, in most cases, maintaining a relationship with both parents is vitally important to a child’s development and well-being throughout his lifetime. Current research and parenting resources now emphasize “co-parenting” as well as the unique challenges of being a “residential” or “non-residential” parent. Additionally, there is a growing body of information related to helping divorced parents stay connected with their children from a distance, whether it’s living two hours apart or in different countries.

Focus on children instead of ex-spouse
To enable children to maintain a strong relationship with both parents following divorce, parents must learn to co-parent in a way that fosters children being able to comfortably communicate with, visit or live with each parent at various times. Focusing on the needs of the children rather than on one’s ex-partner is typically the best way to accomplish this. A workable relationship is one that involves both parents negotiating the day-to-day, month-to-month, and year-to-year needs of their children. Many people effectively deal with difficult situations in the workplace, using negotiation and teamwork skills, yet neglect to utilize these same skills with their ex-spouse.

Post-divorce conflict negatively impacts children
A major stressor for children is persistent conflict between parents following divorce. Because divorcing parents may use their children to manipulate and/or control each other around a variety of personal, social, and financial issues, it is not uncommon to see an increase in children’s risk factors for behavior problems, depression, delinquency, substance abuse, teen pregnancy, school failure and dropout and suicide. Parents who express their rage toward their former spouse by asking children to carry hostile messages, by denigrating the other parent in front of the child, or by prohibiting mention of the other parent in their presence are creating stress and loyalty conflicts in their children. Not surprisingly, when parents encapsulate their conflict and do not put their children in the middle, these children do not differ from children whose parents had low or no marital conflict.

Working together helps children adjust to divorce
Because children look to their parents for signs that the family can and will get through this difficult period in their lives, divorced parents who work together are more successful at meeting their children’s short and long-term needs. Divorce can be very frustrating and painful, but both parent’s number one goal should be to shelter their children from post-divorce conflict. Being mindful of their children’s needs will ensure a more successful adjustment to the divorce and the changes the family is experiencing.

Wishing you many happy moments  as you and your children create a whole new way of being a family…

Rocky Relationship? New Wisdom.

According to a recent post on PsychCentral, Rocky Relationship: Ignore the  Common Wisdom, positive psychology is not the answer for all couples. It works for satisfied couples because they already are more positive with each other, avoid the blame game, and have higher expectations. However, this approach is more likely to exasperate things for  rocky couples.

This is the claim made by James K. McNulty in a new paper published in Current Directions in Psychological Science (McNulty, 2010). He reached this conclusion after following hundreds of newlyweds during their first two to four years of marriage. Contrary to popular wisdom, if you are in a rocky relationship he suggests:

• Do expect problems. Rocky relationships are often the result of poor problem solving skills, so lowering expectations often helps.
• Don’t ignore the signals. In this case, trying to cover things up with a positive spin just makes problems worse.
• Blame is good. For couples with the most severe problems, placing blame can motivate a partner to change.
• Don’t forgive. It simply allows your partner to minimize, and often repeat, his/her actions.

So in a rocky relationship, when things are good being positive is good. However, when things are bad negative processes may work better. The goal: For rocky relationships, accepting negative in the short-term can result in harmony down the road.

What’s your experience?