Broken Heart Syndrome

According to a newly released nationwide study at the University of Arkansas. women are seven times more likely to suffer from “broken heart syndrome”.  And, it’s tougher on older women.

Broken heart syndrome is real and happens when a sudden shock (such as learning of an affair) or prolonged stress causes heart attack-like symptoms or heart failure. The good news is people rarely die from it.  See article

Wives of the Wondering Eye Club..

Surprise: Politicians power + confidence= cockiness http://ow.ly/5kClL

Why Marriages End

Thanks Diana. I’ll be sharing this with my clients and others. There’s an additional “turning” factor not often talked about: mental illness. I married my college sweetheart­, after years of courtship worthy of a Guiness Worldbook award, only to have mental illness rear it’s ugly head. It’s been a dreadful journey for my daughters and me thanks to my ex (and his litigious attorney) using the Courts as a vengeful tool. An abuser, hiring a rambo type attorney, can make mincemeat of the family left behind and there is no way to stop it. Well there is one, my money for legal defense has run out … the other side’s strategy from the start.

Frustrated at the (un)justic­e that can prevail I’ve just created the cause Truth-Tell­ing & Family Law Issues on Facebook to collect stories and create change (http://www­.causes.co­m/causes/5­54711-trut­h-tellers-­family-law­-issues?m=­9be1f0f4&r­ecruiter_i­d=18466969).

As an attorney, do you have any words of wisdom on this issue?

Sharon Zarozny, Founder
Brilliant Exits, LLC
www.brilli­antexits.c­om
www.brilli­antexits.w­ordpress.c­om
Read the Article at HuffingtonPost

Newly Divorced? Don’t Forget to Grieve

So true. My daughters were young when I divorced so my focus was on them, not me. Now, years later I find there are triggers to the grief I never had time to walk through. I tell clients you need to grieve to heal, yet I didn’t follow my own advice because I was trying to present a strong front for my daughters. Amazing how buried feelings never die…

Sharon Zarozny, Founder
Brilliant Exits, LLC

www.brilli­antexits.c­om
www.brilli­antexits.w­ordpress.c­om
Read the Article at HuffingtonPost

What do Santa & Weddings have in Common?

Lots. Think about it.

Santa is a highly romanticized, protected, commercialized and long-lived tradition merrily handed down from generation to generation. Anyone who exposes Santa and bursts a child’s bubble is considered an old crumungen and definitely a spoil sport. Eventually, however, kids find out the truth and when they do it can be quite tramatic and Christmas is never the same … until they become Santa themselves.

Enter Weddings. The ordinary person’s chance at a day of royal trappings and gifts. It’s a beautiful, romantic, long standing tradition and an idealized bridge into … the reality of day-to-day married life. And anyone trying to temper the love with cautionary tales is well…. a Debbie Downer.

Time passes, the honeymoon ends and daily life challenges the happily-ever-after dream. Some of us luck out and mature into truly loving couples, others are faced with the cruel reality that no matter what we do our dream is shattered.

Here’s hoping your dream stays in tack. If it doesn’t? Please remember Santa was a great concept, but he wasn’t real either.

Facebook … Adultery’s friend?

Would you give your spouse the password to your Facebook site? To save marriages, that’s what a New Jersey pastor will be preaching this  Sunday. Why? Nearly a third of today’s divorces are “internet assisted.”

According to a recent Huffington Post  Digital Drama — Is Facebook to Blame?:

The American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers says 81 percent of its members have used or been faced with evidence plucked from Facebook, MySpace, Twitter and other social networking sites in divorce cases over the last five years.

About one in five adults uses Facebook for flirting, according to a 2008 report by the Pew Internet and American Life Project. And a do-it-yourself divorce site in the United Kingdom, Divorce-Online, reported late last year that the word “Facebook” was appearing in about one in five of the petitions it was handling.

What do you think?

(Oh, and a word to the wise. Lawyers love Facebook. Disable it now if divorce is in your future.)

Changing you is hard, changing your partner …

Impossible... unless s/he takes on the responsibility to make the change you are wishing for. Today I received a heart-wrenching email from a  young man asking me how he can help his girlfriend change so they can save their relationship. He totally loves her and she can’t see it. I had to email back sorry, but unless she chooses to change, there is very little you can do.

Trust me, I know. My therapist was a saint, for nearly a year listening to me and all my attempts to get my then husband to change. I’d grasp at tiny signs telling her “I think I can save our marriage. Things are looking better.” Finally one day she looked me in the eye and said, “What’s it going to take? Is he going to  have to kill you?”  That one stopped me in my tracks.

There’d been all kinds of abuse from physical, to emotional to financial. Yet I was still holding on.  My stance had been it’s not his fault, he’s got a mental illness and if he just gets on meds he’ll once again become the man I thought I’d married. Besides, I wouldn’t leave him if he had brain cancer. I’d agreed to in sickness & health on our wedding day. And we had 2 beautiful daughters I didn’t want to abandon for a full time job, especially since I’d been out of the workforce for quite some time.

But the truth was, I was killing myself trying to pretend that if I only did “xyz” the happily-ever-after dream would become a reality. The stress at home was so bad I developed TMJ, a painful jaw condition that got so debilitating I couldn’t even open my mouth when I tried to order my kids food at McDonalds. My jaw had locked shut. Totally.

Yes, it was a nightmare but I kept looking for every flicker of light. I believed my husband when he said he’d given up his mistress and she was just using their baby as a way to get his money. Divorce simply wasn’t in the cards for me and I believed I could make my marriage work.

The next pearl of wisdom my therapist shared was: I couldn’t save our relationship all by myself. Despite all my efforts, nothing could change unless my husband faced his issues and took on the responsibility to change. I could not do that for him. He was making choices that suited him and making it loud and clear that his needs were way more important than our relationship and family life.

For a few more months I tried to prove my therapist wrong, but in the end she was right.

Kids’ Questions

This morning I stumbled upon Debra Gettleman’s blog post Honesty…Is Usually the Best Policy. It gave me a chuckle and jogged my memory.

If you have kids, you know the car is where all great conversations happen. Once upon a time, my husband’s mistress unexpectedly showed up at our doorstep with a toddler in the car. As you might guess, a slightly emotional scene occurred.

The next day, as my daughters and I were heading out for ice cream, my 6 year-old asked:

Mommy, is Connie’s son Daddy’s too?

My heart stopped. I’d been dreading the day that question was asked.  Inwardly I was still raw from the news myself and furious that I, not my husband, had to deal with the big question. I’d been scouring books, unsuccessfully, to learn the best way to handle the inevitable. The closest I come to an answer was that mental health experts deemed family secrets a huge, unhealthy burden for families, and that kids instinctively know the truth.

So, with all the non-judgmental feelings I could muster, I answered “Yes.”  My heart was pounding dreading the questions to follow and wondering if I’d just ruined her life…

After a moment my daughter simply grumbled, “That’s not fair, I don’t want to share any of my things with him.“

My 3 year-old, excitedly kicking her car seat, chimed in “Me too!”

I couldn’t have agreed more.

Infidelity Trends & Solutions

It could happen to you, and it did happen to me. My spouse cheated … and had a child with his lover way before I was clued in.

Affairs aren’t necessarily the kiss of death for a marriage, but when discovered (or suspected) it can tear everyone’s world apart. Although I was clueless, statistics say that 85% of women who think their spouse is cheating are spot on, whereas only 50% of men who suspect a cheating spouse are right.

According to infidelity expert Ruth Houston:

• Infidelity has increased 50% among women and it’s rapidly approaching the male infidelity rate. Solution: Guys, pay attention to your partner and don’t dismiss their needs lightly.
• Thanks to the internet, more than a 1/3 of all divorces are “internet assisted”. Solution: Know what your spouse is doing online… personally, I hope this doesn’t lead to “spousal controls”.
• Emotional infidelity and cyber affairs need to be addressed because ignored it can lead to sexual encounters. Solution: If you suspect your spouse of this, take action before it’s too late.
• Workplace infidelity destroys many marriages and relationships. Solution: Keep each other in the loop about your workplace and do not cultivate an “emotional partner” at work.
• Given so many of us are naive about the signs of infidelity, many affairs aren’t discovered until it’s too late. Solution: Knowing the signs is key, so educate yourself, but don’t become paranoid.

Why am I telling you all this? Infidelity is on my mind as we have a panel of Private Eyes speaking at our Oct 9, 2010 Second Saturday program. Proving adultery, uncovering assets, and computer surveillance is part of their job. So this coming week, I’ll be blogging about these issues and hoping… you aren’t touched by any of it.

But if you are, consider joining us to get some answers and insight.

OMG … now it’s about … me?

On Monday I drove my oldest to the metro to begin her first “real job” in DC. Dressed like a career woman, she looked ready to conquer the world and she was bursting with excitement. As we exchanged small talk, I was remembering her first baby-steps, her first day of kindergarten, and college visits.  Wistfully I blurted out “this is the day we’ve been working toward your whole life”. She looked at me, shrugged her shoulders, and simply said “Yes.” I felt a bit silly being caught in the past while she was relishing her future.

Then, the very next day, I drove my youngest to JMU to begin her first year of college. She was quiet and repeatedly asked “Why did I ever want to go to college .. What was I thinking?”   As we pulled onto campus, she blurted out “take me home .. please.” I reassured her, saying her sister had felt the same way four years earlier.

Fortunately, as we rounded the bend to her dorm, it couldn’t have been more magical. We passed a 40 member flag team twirling away and a U-shaped  band of trumpeters. Next a delightful group of upper class students gleefully welcomed us and within minutes whisked my daughter (and all her belongings) away to her new home. Her bridge to adulthood couldn’t have been more beautiful!

And today? I’m sitting in sadness pondering the rest of my life. I am grateful my daughters are successfully launched, but as a single mom in survival mode for so long I haven’t a clue as to my new future. Having taken it all a step at a time for so long it’s scary suddenly having time be all about me for a change. I’ve been gathering wisdom, “building character” thanks to adversity, but dreams? Wish there was a magical rite of passage for this life-phase.

Suggestions greatly appreciated…